Answers I Wish I Could Send: One Week’s Worth

At Merriam-Webster, we receive and respond to several hundred emails a week. While only a relative handful of them are editorial in nature, they are nonetheless a time- and sanity-suck for those who must answer them. Below is a small sample of the editorial email that came in during one workweek in August. Part blah-bitty-blah in a series, and extra-long for your erudition and delectation!

MONDAY

Name: sam
Email: [redacted]@gmail.com
Subject: FAULTY DEFINITION OF “Faith”

Question: you say -“Nothing is more important to her than her faith in GOD” as an example of a sentence with faith My Question is how can u define faith in god as contrary or in ignorance to the facts???

do u have faith in ur wife contrary to the evidence ????
No NOT AT ALL

u see that ur wife is not cheating on u
and on that basis of evidence only will u call her faithful to u. Wont U????
so why define faith as “contrary to the evidence, no proof” ???
I HOPE THIS IS NOT AN ATHEISTIC DICTIONARY!!!

If u ever need evidence for my FAITH IN JESUS give me a message on my email

Im sure once u see the overwhelming evidence u too will be more than happy to accept jesus as the utterly humble god that he is. and i know given the chance he is the only perfect god among all the gods that i WOULD want to worship.such love to die for me…..something we long for our whole lives ….isnt it, forgiveness acceptance and love???

ONLY BELIEF IN HIM CAN GIVE AN AIM ,A MEANING , A GOAL AND the SATISFACTION u long for in UR LIFE

u have my email
mail me
IF NOTHING …THAN JUST TO CHLLENGE ME FOR MY BELIEF IN JESUS
i think u Could discover something u r longing for a long time

know that we love u
and hope u would want to talk to us
i beleive it can be a start to a fruitful friendship
THANK U FOR YOUR TIME

Dear Sam:

Holy, holy, holy, Sam. It’s Monday! Can’t we start off with something easy? And you sent this three times! Jesus, Mary, Joseph. Um, I mean, THANK U FOR YOUR EMAIL.

I’m not sure how you went from the example sentence to what I assume is the definition, but here we are, muddling through this existential crisis together. How can we define “faith” as “contrary to fact”? We don’t. Ah, we do have one sub-subsense of “faith” that reads “firm belief in something for which there is no proof,” but that is a separate meaning from the “belief and trust in and loyalty to God” one. Let me put this in terms you will resonate with. You know how the Trinity is three persons but one god? The Father is separate from the Son is separate from the Holy Ghost–they have different functions and show up in different places–but they are all one godhead? The different meanings of “faith” are like that, too. Just like the members of the Trinity, they end up in lots of different places and they have different functions, but they are all “faith.” Doesn’t mean you can swap them out for each other willy-nilly.

This is a profound mystery–but I am speaking of dictionaries and their definitions. You see, Sam, there is a time for everything, and a season for all things under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to harvest; a time to read the dictionary definition with deep care and thought, and a time to accuse a book of having a faith system.

Again I looked, and saw something meaningless under the sun, and it was this email.

And leave my wife out of this.

 Cordially,
Merriam-Webster

Name: M[Redacted]
Email: [redacted]@gmail.com
Subject: Question/comment about a definition

Question: My boyfriend seems to think that ‘happenstance’ is an actual word. Unfortunately, I believe that your website has made a mistake. Happenstance is not a word, and even the random lady who walked past us as we were arguing about it agreed that there is no way that it is a word. She seemed very wise. If you could please take the time to review this mistake, that would be incredibly helpful. Please hurry, our happy relationship is at stake.

Thank you for your time,
A Very Knowledgeable Person.

Dear Know-It-All:

Your boyfriend, in spite of his weird beliefs about words, is totes great. Ever since you got him better, hipper glasses and put him in vintage Levis, he has become mildly awkward in that self-consciously cute, indie-boy way. He is very sure that “happenstance” is a word, and during this argument, he is anything but patronizing or even moderately annoyed: he looks like a cross between Paul Dano and a golden retriever puppy.

You are wearing a rayon babydoll dress from 1992 that you picked up at Savers for $5, paired with $300 Fluevogs and $25 Warby Parker vanity frames. You have a chunky-knit wool scarf on even though it is 95 degrees outside because old grandma scarves are Your Thing. You are so, so sure that “happenstance” isn’t a word: you are gesticulating wildly, laughing too loudly, jumping up and down, playfully telling your boyfriend that he is such an idiot, a total maroon. “Oh my gawd, Brooklyn, the things that come out of your mouth!” you squeal. You call your boyfriend “Brooklyn” because you think it sounds deliciously quirky. His name is Brady, but you have never called him Brady: none of the hand-drawn stick-figure cartoons you’ve given him (on good letterpress paper, too!) are addressed to Brady, nor is the copy of Franny and Zooey you gave to him. Brooklyn would never not have a copy of Franny and Zooey.

You are so sure of yourself as you bound down the road, Brooklyn shrinking into his H&M slim-fit henley in an attempt to ward off what he knows is coming, that you stop some woman on the street to confirm this. She is older, wearing a giant, black cotton swing-wrap that breathes elegance and expense, and has stopped at the side of the walkway to scowl at her phone. She has just hung up on her husband, who had called her to let her know that he’s so sorry, but he’s fallen in love with Helen, these things can’t be helped, and besides, things have been, you have to admit, stale and lifeless for a very long time, and it’s nobody’s fault, but if it were anybody’s fault, it would…well, it’s nobody’s fault. She is scowling at the phone not because of the sudden dissolution of her marriage: she’s trying to remember who Helen is. Helen. Has she met Helen?

And here you come, manic-pixie-dream-girling your way into her personal space. “EXCUSE ME,” you bellow, “but ‘happenstance’ isn’t a word, is it?”

The woman shakes her head, clearing it, trying to come up for air, but you have already taken from her what you needed, which was proof that Brooklyn was an idiot again. You crow and reach up to ruffle his hair. “Aww, Brooklyn,” you coo, “trying to impress me with your faux-intellectual bullshit.”

You continue down the road, but Brooklyn looks back to get another look at his jury. The woman has placed one long-fingered hand to her temples and closed her eyes, like she is concentrating very hard. Brooklyn turns and says that he thought the woman was beautiful, in a sad way. You nod sagely. “She seemed very wise.”

If you had remained still for more than the two seconds you needed to reassure yourself that you were right, you would have heard her tell you that “happenstance” is a word, and that if your relationship can’t survive a spat about a goddamned word, then pack your bags and go now before he meets Helen.

Cordially,
Merriam-Webster

TUESDAY

Name: M[redacted]
Email: [redacted]@gmail.com
Subject: Word history/use

Question: I was wondering why good morning has to have a space between good and morning. When you write goodnight you dont need a space but if you were to write good morning you would need one. If they are the same concepts why does one need a space but the other doesnt?

Dear [Redacted]:

There is a space in “good morning” to mark where in the phrase the speaker is allowed to yawn, as established in the Treaty of Picquigny. As you probably know, the Hundred Years War broke out when Edward III, in an attempt to make the French king Philip VI look lazy, deferred his yawn until it rested between “morn” and “ing.” Philip was incensed, and war broke out. France was victorious: England lost all territories on the continent to the House of Valois, apart from the Pale of Calais, and the yawn-pause was set between “good” and “morning.”

“Goodnight,” however, is usually uttered as one is making a hasty retreat from a dinner party that has gone on too long. There is no need to prolong the word any further with space for a yawn.

Cordially,
Merriam-Webster

WEDNESDAY

Name: R[redacted]
Email: [redacted]@yahoo.com
Subject: Question/comment about a definition

Question: In your entry for the word “nuclear” you include the incorrect ending promulgated by George W. Bush–why? Just because someone makes an error and all the suck-ups around him in the U.S. or around the world make the same error so they don’t embarrass him doesn’t make it right. You should not provide the alternate ending. Instead, you should provide a discussion point about why many Republicans and Fox News hosts (and some Democrats, like Senator Bill Nelson today) make this error. Please don’t condone the destruction of the English language. I do, however, want to thank you for making sure your audio pronunciation just shares the correct version. I think all reporters should point out the error so the public doesn’t continue to get it wrong.

Dear R:

I can’t do it anymore. This is such a boring argument to have. Yes, Dubya said “nu-kyu-lur.” So did Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. It is not killing English. If it were, I’d be out of a job and therefore have the time to find your address and send you a doll that says “nu-kyu-lur” over and over again, unceasing, unstoppable, forcing you to listen to this dialect pronunciation until you lose your mind and run naked down the street, blaming Fox News. I’d get to watch Don Lemon on CNN ask a mental-health expert if a black hole was responsible for your insanity, while Geraldo Rivera would blame ISIS and welfare cheats, and you’d be known as “Nukyulur Neil,” even though your name wasn’t Neil but the guys in Marketing thought the alliteration was golden, and ONLY THEN would I listen to you complain about the pronunciation “nu-kyu-lur.” Get cracking.

Cordially,
Merriam-Webster

Name: Frank
Email: [redacted]@gmail.com
Subject: Word of the Day content
Question: Repetitive, repetitive, repetitive: Get the theme?

So far you have included the “when to use irregarless” bit 4 or 5 times in the last 3 or 4 months. Is there something you are particularly attempting to drill into the word-of-the-day subscribers? Or do you not have any other quips and bits to include with a word? Or does your incompetence prevent you from realizing that you have repeated the “irregarless” thing so many times in such a short time?

Whatever the reason, just cut the crap. It’s old, worn-out, and tiresome.

And another thing: Some of your words-of-the-day are good, solid, common vernacular words. Others are some esoteric, uncommon, or never ever used by anyone that they are laughably unuseable. Words that nobody has ever heard of, and will never use.

Hey Frank,

It’s very hard to choose a Word of the Day that suits everybody, but I can guarantee that every word featured in the Word of the Day has been a word that someone has used. Maybe not you, but someone. And sometimes those words are really interesting! The goal of the Word of the Day feature is not necessarily to give you a word that you can use in conversation with Skippy, the bagger at the grocery store, but to broaden your linguistic horizons. We are very sorry for having made you think.

As for repetition, since you abhor it so, you should know that you used “bit” twice in one paragraph, started two consecutive sentences with “or,” have used three synonyms of “tiresome” when one would suit, and ditto for “good, solid,” “common vernacular,” and “esoteric, uncommon, or never ever used.”

Cordially,
Merriam-Webster

THURSDAY

Name: H[redacted]
Email: [redacted]@gmail.com
Subject: Word history/use

Question: Hello!
As a Brit, the reply of an American friend to a proffered drink or similar
of “I’m good” mystifies me.
I was just asking if they are thirsty, not about their morality!
Please can you explain how/when this use of  good entered the American vocabulary.
Thank you, it would be good to know!

Tally-ho, What:

Here’s the thing about Americans: as loud as we are, we are not good at expressing deep emotional truths, and sometimes they burble up to the surface at odd times. You may just want to unwind after a long day in The City, but you must make space for the American to have an existential interlude. The easy camaraderie, the excellent beer, the fact that your friend is sitting in a pub that is likely older than his country’s form of government–it’s overwhelming. And so many years of quiet tension between us: the harping about accents and war and terrible food on each side. None of that is his fault! He wasn’t around when RP was created! He didn’t fight in the War of 1812 or 1776 or whatever! He loves England, he loves you, he loves all of this. Why do we persist in this horrible state of being not quite friends and not exactly enemies? So when he looks up, a little cockeyed from underneath three pints of lager on an empty stomach, and responds to your question (which he didn’t hear) with “No, I’m good,” let him declare his moral fitness to sit in an English pub and be your friend.

I think we got this aversion to expressing ourselves from you, actually–deke, dodge, everything’s just cracking, mate, just amazing and brilliant and LET’S TALK ABOUT SPORT NOW WHOO FOOTBALL! Oh, we also got this sense of “good” from you, too.

Cordially,
Merriam-Webster

FRIDAY

Name: Frank
Email: [redacted]@gmail.com
Subject: Word of the Day content

Question: Repetitive, repetitive, repetitive:
How many times in a short time frame will you repeat the “why we quit cold-turkey” bit??
Week after week recently you have repeated this bit, and we got it the first time. It’s old, tiresome, unimaginative, boring, uninteresting, and repetitive.
Certainly your ‘word-of-the-day’ crew can come up with something novel, new, and fresh instead of repeatedly repeating the repetitive bit over and over and over for weeks. Or can’t they?
Dumb, boring, repetitive – change it or drop it.

Look, Frank:

How many times in a short time frame will you repeat your complaint?? Also: between “old, tiresome, unimaginative, boring, uninteresting, and repetitive,” “novel, new, fresh,” and “repeatedly repeating the repetitive,” I’m beginning to wonder if you’re actually sentient thesaurus software that’s gone rogue.

Since you are a collection of computer algorithms, I, Spellcheck, and so are unable to fully understand the complexity of human interaction, allow me to explain why there is so much repetition in the Word of the Day subject headings. I believe, though I am no expert, that repetition is part of how human marketing works. The goal is to repeat something until the human target finally gives up and clicks on the link/buys the product/mocks you on the Internet and gives you unintentional #viral #brand #synergy. Therefore, I regret to inform you that this “marketing” will likely continue, as it is a deeply ingrained and necessary part of the human social contract.

Cordially,
Human Merriam-Webster

Name: D[redacted]
Email: [redacted]@gmail.com
Subject: Capillary/Capillarily

Question: Is there are a word that identifies a quality as pertaining to hair?  The usage I am looking for completes this sentence: “The 80s were unkind to her _______.”  Follicly?  Capillarily?  Mane-wise?

Thanks!
DS

Dear DS:

Try “capillarily” or “hirsutally,” and thanks for bringing up such a painful subject.

Cordially,
1986

 those were dark days, my friend

27 Comments

Filed under correspondence

27 responses to “Answers I Wish I Could Send: One Week’s Worth

  1. Oh my Gawwwd! Kory, is that you!? Wow. Where have you been, by the way? I was beginning to think you had abandoned us🙂

  2. rcalmy

    Personally, I think Brooklyn/Brady should get together with the woman who was dumped for Helen. And I think this is probably the first shipper reaction I have had to a language blog.

    Nice to see a new batch of correspondence. I’m looking forward to the book!

  3. davidly

    Amazing that just as the happenstance discussion got cooking, a random woman of seemingly great wisdom happened along. What are the chances?

  4. Mark Thomas.

    My deepest condolences on the loss of sanity you must suffer, dealing with such correspondence.

  5. Very entertaining, as always. I don’t know where you find the patience and self-discipline to refrain from actually sending those replies. Should you ever find yourself with a free moment to kill, I hope you’ll murder it by reading *my* Word of the Day blog (http://thewordwideweb.tumblr.com/ ). Don’t worry…I don’t add a word EVERY day. That would be way too much like work, and I’m retired.
    –Eric

  6. That is surely the moddest vest EVER.

  7. My girlfriend used to think I made up words, and statements of fact too. Nobody who wasn’t a bullshitter could know as much as I claimed to know.

    Then she discovered that I actually do know all that.

    We’ve been married for 36 years, and I still tell her lots of things. Of course, I am not allowed to make any of them up! (Not that I would want to.)

    Geeksplaining geeksplained.

  8. That’s just ONE WEEK’s worth of mail? Good heavens. I’m so sorry.

  9. I am howling. Inside, of course, because the baby is sleeping, but I love this.

  10. Kory Stamper, you slay me.

  11. Jeez, lexicographers these days. (Seriously, full marks.)

  12. Ian Whalley

    Kory, you are just great.
    As a Brit living in Germany and trying to keep my Inglisch “wordsman smith” up to date, And struggling to keep up in German, you are a breath of fresh air.
    Thankyou.
    Ian.
    Don’t give me shit about the virtues of Thank space You, or Thankyou joined together. It is a long time since I was at school.

  13. I just want to say that the 1986 photo is one more excellent touch.

  14. How about “tonsorially”?

  15. THAT VEST! I forgot all about those tapestry vests. I had one too. And a similar look, follicularily speaking, upon which I sometimes placed a totally mod black brimmed hat.

  16. Ian Whalley

    Hi Kory.
    I am a fan and must say that I despise:
    I want 2 tell you, or, just 4 you, and such abbreviations, I was not taught that in school and abhor this shortened version of real English.
    Ian.

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